A Breaking Point

(a journal entry)

I have left behind a loving family, a mass of wonderful and supportive friends, a fun job, my dogs, my car, and everything I love about the mountains, rivers, trees, and lakes of the south. I have put off grad school and a career to be here. I have invested money (thanks mom and dad), much time, and a lot of heart into this whole ordeal.

For What?

At first it is because you want to help people; help them work together and find solutions and learn stuff. But then you get stressed with everything: culture, communication, time, loneliness, homesickness, and feeling like you are not doing any good. So your focus turns inward. You forget your original reason for being here and you start thinking, "what can I get out of this?" If nothing else you at least wanna make sure you have a good time, right? But you may even get to a point where even that is not motivation enough.

You look at yourself and realize you are miserable. You feel under-appreciated, used, and mistreated. You are exhausted, angry, hurt, frustrated, and fed up. Your brain is so fogged you can't make sense of anything. And you feel quite ready to just give up and end your misery. Why try anymore if you are this down and out?

You cry and blubber and hyperventilate, pitch your fits, and call for back-up. And maybe someone gives you that chance to take 2 steps back and think. And you realize that yes maybe you do still have strength even if you don't want to admit it. And maybe your pride falters and you think perhaps you have made mistakes and maybe you haven't tried everything… as angry as it makes you feel to say it.

It's the breaking point. A time when you decide what you really give a rats behind about. A time when you have to lay your stubbornness aside, and your pride, even when you feel like that is all you have left. As humans don't we just hate being humble? And we hate letting go of what little control we feel we have…

Grrrrr

I don't want to. I don't have to. But I think I can and maybe I should… even if and when it hurts. If I duck and cover through this entire experience I will never learn anything.